Sin With Me
It’s almost an out of body experience. That’s my theory. Because… because… it can’t be real. It just can’t be real. I can’t be doing this. I’m not running from a kingpin’s henchmen, he didn’t save me, my tongue is not in his mouth desperately kissing him and wanting him, and my hand is not on his dick, squeezing as I push myself forward looking for… more.
But all that is happening. And all this is happening too, because now his hand is pulling my top down and the night air hits my nipple, making it peak and bunch up as his fingers brush across it. And then we’re walking—he’s pushing me backwards. And I don’t even feel the pain from my twisted ankle or wonder if I’m gonna trip or anything like that because… because he’ll catch me. If I fall, this guy is gonna catch me. And it’s such a relief to just let all the bullshit go and trust someone for once. I don’t even have words. Or the time to think them up. Because he’s got his hands under my thighs and he’s lifting me up, and holding me close, and I can feel the ragged edges of the brick building cutting into my back and I don’t care. I might be bleeding or fucking dying right now, and I just don’t care.
I close my eyes when he pulls back, wishing he wouldn’t do that, but then I forget about it and think about what he’s doing next. Because his lips are on my neck and he’s biting the skin behind my ear, and breathing into my hair, and he says, “I’m gonna fuck you now. So…”
We’re both just on some kind of collision course. We’re crashing into each other in a way that’s familiar, but new, and still dangerous. And then I see the gun again in my head, and the way he moved so fast and took people out. The way he hurt them and I know, I just feel, deep down in my filthy fucking soul, that he’s gonna hurt me too, and I don’t care. I just don’t fucking care. Because that hurt is gonna be worth it, and I’m gonna live for once. Like really fucking live for once, And when we spin out of control later—next week, or next year, or next lifetime—I will look back and say, “I’d do it all again.”
And it’s stupid.
But I don’t care.
So I say, “Do it.”